不同的人，不同的视角，演绎不同的故事。今天为大家继续展示写作大赛记叙文部分，在2018“外研社·国才杯”全国英语写作大赛的舞台上，来自武汉大学的张鉴鼎同学为我们演绎了他的故事。
真题分享
Write a story based on the following painting entitled Nighthawks by Edward Hopper in 1942.
You should write between 600 and 800 words.
选手破题思路
张鉴鼎 武汉大学（指导教师：祝捷）
2018“外研社·国才杯”全国英语写作大赛冠军
这篇作文的要求和以往提供文字背景开头的记叙文赛题非常不同，题目给出的信息，乍一看很“少”——仅仅只有一幅油画，和1942的创作年代，但是实际上所涵盖的思维维度非常之“大”——它提供了一个朦胧的原点，每位参赛作者可以基于自己对油画主题和氛围的个性化理解，用文字诠释画的内涵，构思属于自己的故事。
这道题目首先能够让人浮想联翩的是时代——1942年。1942年是第二次世界大战的一个关键时间点，很难让人不联想到那个时代里，战争对于人类，对于整个世界带来的影响。而就这幅画而言，空荡的街道和冷清的餐厅，收敛的人物装束与体态，整体高饱和度冷色调的运用让人明显感觉到压抑感、孤独感、绝望感、迷失感和不确定感。与时代背景相联系，战争的残忍不仅仅体现在硝烟弥漫的战场，对后方的每一个人、每一个家庭也都会产生无尽的痛苦。而画面中的几个人到底是谁？他们之间有着怎样的故事？这些问题都需要我们去思考，去构思，去解决。在我的文章里，“我”，一个painter，以第一人称的口吻，讲述了这幅画背后的故事，让他和这幅画的赠与者的一段对话，带领读者探索一个家庭的忧伤分离故事以及世界大战对于平凡人的影响。或许与画的原意有所出入，但求定格时代，安抚心灵。
作品欣赏
（为真实展示选手赛场上的写作风貌，文章为从iTEST 大学外语测试与训练系统中摘出的原生作品，仅供学习分享使用。）
It was a cold and chiily night in 1942. I was a painter back then, I still remember the feeling when I walked down the street in the town and saw nobody, tragic and hopeless. Three years ago, everytime I came to this town, the street was crowed with shouts and laughters. But every store on the street closed their doors, keeping themselves away from the atmosphere of lonliness and boredom in the town. Males had left their homes, heading for the battlefields, and fighting for their country. Walking in the street, I thought I might never see a light in this haunted town, but fortunately, a house in bright life emerged in front of me, so conspicuous compared with other darkened place.
It was a tiny pub, with only an old man cleaning the table quietly. I opened the door, and walked in. "Excuse me, I am sorry to bother you, but have you closed already?". After uttering the word out, I suddenly felt how warm and cosy it was in this tiny pub. The floor was meticulously cleaned by the old owner, and the table was juxtaposed in arrangement, leaving ample room for friends to talk and chat. "No, no, we haven't closed, please feel free to have a seat". The old owner smiled his words to me. But I can see there is something sad hidden in his eyes, like a diamond of lake.
"Can you believe that you are the third guest entering my pub today?" He said with a gentle and graceful voice. "What would you like to drink?" "A cup of coco, please". I thought a warm cup of coco would perfectly match this cold, chilly night. When making the coco, the old owner was mumbling something, too light and too fast for me to catch up his word. So I just sit there, watching him clean the table and talking. He seemed to be taking about his son and his family.
I took out a piece a paper, trying to draft and depict how sadly quite this town was. When he asked me if I would like to refill my cup of coco, he saw me painting. "Are you a painter?" He curiously asked. "Yes, sir." I replied, "If you wish, I can paint for you".
His eyes shined with surprise but then darkened again. "My son is as same old as you. He also loves painting. Although I always joke that his doodles could be hardly said as paintings. But how I wish I could compliment him more back then."
"Why?" I asked.
"He was recruitied by the army and headed for the front three years ago". He sighed, "He used to write a letter to me once a month, but I haven't heard from him since last year. I even have no idea whether he is still alive or not"
"I miss the day when the town was crowded with people. Men and women would come here and have talks. He would always be helping around, when there was no other guests, he would always chat with me with his wife. After he was gone, his wife moved to another safer town, carrying her baby. Now, you cannot see the town people any more, because they have all gone to nearby city to hide. I am alone here. And I feel so lucky to see you today."
"So why did you stay in this town rather than move to the city with your wife", I asked, with confusion.
"I have spent most of my life in this tiny town. I grow up here as a boy and must end here as an old man. I have witnessed how this town flourished with crowds of people and how it darkened with the outbreak of the war. The last thing I could ever do is to leave this town, I am old, but I will accompany this town till the end of my life."
My eyes moisted. I insisted that I want to record the pub and the town. What I have seen is an old man cleaning his table in a pub surrounded by the empty street. But I hope to depict how happy the old man was talking to his son and daughter-in-law, and I just sit next to them, watching them talking in this cold, chilly, windy night. At last, I left the painting to the old man, hoping it can confort him and, more importantly, remind whoever will see this painting the brightness and the darkness, and the wax and wane of this tiny, little town.
名师点评
刘力，博士，硕士生导师，现任中国人民大学大学英语部副主任。
担任2018“外研社·国才杯”全国英语写作大赛评委，近几年出版《英文教师写作能力与写作决策评价》等专著，参编数本教材，在国内多个语言类核心刊物发表学术及教学研究论文数篇，并曾主持和参与多项研究及教改项目。2017年获中国人民大学教学成果一等奖。
在记叙文中，除了描绘人物和事件经过，突出事件的社会意义，以达到用事件来教育或提醒人们的目的也是十分重要的。本文的作者从一个画家的视角出发对其所处的社会环境和生活在其中的人物进行描绘，展示出作者对于当时历史背景的把握，并选择通过故事中的叙事来告诉人们，生活即使充满沉浮，也总是要有希望的。
第一，人物角色设定出彩，巧妙点题。文章不同于其他的地方在于在一开头作者就清楚的设定了自己的角色—一位画家，也呼应大赛题目中这幅画的画家，即： “I was a painter back then, I still remember the feeling when I walked down the street in the town and saw nobody, tragic and hopeless.”。这也决定了文章将是由这位画家从艺术家的视角出发，用自己的画笔来记录当时的时代特征和人物特征。从另一个角度来说，画家的角色设定也为文章的结尾埋下伏笔，在画家记录下的小酒馆是现实和想象的交织，最后他描绘出的图景并不是生活在苦难和阴郁之中的普通人，而是一派平和幸福的景象。除了画家本身，剩余的三位人物关系设定为酒馆的主人以及其儿子一家两口，即：… the old man was talking to his son and daughter-in-law, and I just sit next to them, watching them talking in this cold, chilly, windy night.”。这也恰是题目中图画呈现出的场景，进行了巧妙点题。
第二， 环境描绘和人物描述相互联系。一方面，作者在文章开头部分使用一定笔墨进行环境描绘，并且对比城镇在战争前后的图景，给人强烈的现实感，如： Three years ago, everytime I came to this town, the street was crowded with shouts and laughters. But every store on the street closed their doors, keeping themselves away from the atmosphere of loneliness and boredom in the town. 另一方面，文章也得益于对于环境描写的细节。记叙文是由细节组成的，但细节过多会使读者如堕烟海 , 兴趣顿消。因此要注意选用与内容有关或能表现主要观点的细节, 才能产生预期的效果 。作者在恰当时候进行细节描写，比如：在进入酒吧后描述酒吧里的地板、桌子，“The floor was meticulously cleaned by the old owner, and the table was juxtaposed in arrangement, leaving ample room for friends to talk and chat.”侧面反映出酒吧主人即使在战争氛围笼罩下的社会环境中仍持有积极的生活态度。小酒馆的井井有条和城镇的整体氛围形成鲜明对比。结合这样环境的描述再刻画人物的举止谈吐，比如“The old owner smiled his words to me. But I can see there is something sad hidden in his eyes, like a diamond of lake.”，使人与环境相互关系结合更加完美。
第三， 两条故事线并行。一方面作者在讲述进入酒店后发生的事情，另一方面作者通过酒店老板的讲述，描绘出普通人在战争生活中的无奈和坚持，作为一个缩影，再次通过酒店老板的话语来展现小镇的兴衰变化，如“I have witnessed how this town flourished with crowds of people and how it darkened with the outbreak of the war.”。这样的双重叙事让整个故事更加丰满，也达到作者的目的“…remind whoever will see this painting the brightness and the darkness, and the wax and wane of this tiny, little town.”。
第四，语言简洁流畅，行文通顺。作者并未像很多其他选手一样使用很多复杂词汇，而是通过朴实的语言表达来描绘情景和人物，减轻阅读复核，让读者关注于故事本身。除去个别语言使用略有不恰当的地方，这是一篇可读性很强的记叙文。
回到顶部